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Thursday, October 23, 2008

Halloween Hoardefest: Horror Films That Put the Retch in Wretched

Honestly, with the amount of horror films that have been shot, from the biggest studio production straight down to weekend amateurs filming on handcams, the ratio of good horror films is pretty slim compared to the bad or at the least merely marginal.

On the other hand, some horror films are just so goddamned terrible they reach a pinnacle of ineptitude they can sit on their own pedestal of shame. We've all stomached the worst of the worst and somehow we still keep coming back to these films in search of the next great Romero, Bava, Fulci, Garris, Gordon, Argento, Coscarelli or Green, what have you. Through mud, dung and vomit one must travel in order to reach the promised land, so the saying is loosely restated in the context of horror movies.

Submitted for your disapproval, a handful of horror flicks that put the "retch" in wretched...

Don't Go In the Woods...Alone

Numero uno top mutt piece of shit in the horror world, much less celluloid. Some regard this a classic slasher pic; the smart recognize it as better eaten in your VCR or scragged on your DVD player. I don't have enough time to list the faults of this infamous turkey, but let's just say a kid in a wheelchair falls down in one scene, the next he's not only back up, he's on a high cliff, ready to be decapitated! Another scene has a girl getting slashed repeatedly in an otherwise gruesome scene; the actress coughs noticeably after her murder. That lady painting a nature scene who gets killed in bloody fashion from behind? You know these clowns threw Dutch Boy paint from off-camera. Embarassing beyond words...

Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf

Sad that Sybil Danning's enticing "assets" are the only reason to watch this garbage. I guarantee you the Herndale Film Corporation agreed, since the film's credits feature Danning's ripping tittie exposure set on repeat. Even sadder the classy Christopher Lee was enticed to waste his presence in this mess. Related to The Howling only for the Roman number II, in addition to werewolf sex. Arooooo booooooo!

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

Okay, so the original Silent Night Deadly Night goes too far with its killer Santa motif and it's one of the most insidious horror films ever conceived. Still, it's a trash classic for those who can stand it. Silent Night Deadly Night 2, however, is utterly unforgiveable considering over 40 minutes of the original film appears in this piece of shit as flashback sequences. Talk about doing sequels on the cheap! Okay, so Big Bad Billy's little brother Ricky is taking up the red suit and cleaning up after his warped and quite dead older sib. Big whoop, ho fucking ho. Since we see so much of Billy's rampage from the first go-round, which Ricky couldn't have possibly been around to watch, much just get the entire recount of, whose story is this anyway?

Exorcist II: The Heretic

Bloody hell, what more need I say? This one defined the meaning of bad sequels. Audiences in 1977 were reportedly laughing in the aisles when this locust-cluttered train wreck premiered. Pazuzu wept...

Don't Go In the House

You thought the naked lady frozen to death in Saw III was disturbing? Try a sick fat fuck chaining bare-assed girls who remind him of his dead mother in a similar fashion and blow-torching them to cinders. Rancid, not to mention irresponsible.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

Satire or misfire? You be the judge, but this is obscene, nonetheless.

Cutting Class

Ever wonder why Brad Pitt fails to mention this film as his first genuine role? Probably the same reason Angelina almost never brings up Gia. At least Angelina fared better (and looked hotter 'n hell) in that bio portrayal. As for Brad, poor guy, I respect him greatly, but we all have to start somewhere, eh? This tripe isn't even worth sitting through for the novelty of Pitt's debut performance.


Remember this one? Sorry for you. Remember, Wes Craven has lots of hits, but he also did The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 the first time around. Deadly Friend, also not so hot, though that basketball scene is gonzo good...

Queen of the Damned

No disrespect to anyone intended, but Heath Ledger went out on the highest note possible as The Joker. Aaliyah wasn't so fortunate... Neither was Anne Rice that this is what we got from her brilliant vampire novel.

Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2

Oh hell, there goes another one of those pesky sequels again... The soundtrack was all that mattered. Goth hipster chic and a tangled no-plot has zilch to do with a sharp predecessor featuring three kids, a video cam and the charade of the century...

Return of the Living Dead Part II

Again, the dratted sequelitis infects! The first Return was spot-on between comedy and horror. The third Return was sexy from a fetishist point-of-view. This one? They can yell braiiiiiins all they want; there's none to be found in this dreck.

So how about you, gang? What're some of the worst horror films you've ever seen?


Metal Mark said...

I disagree on Friday the 13th pt. VIII. I think it's funny and would rank it in around the fifth or sixth best in the series. Heck, Leonard Maltin thought it was the best of the series. I made it about 20 minutes into Exorcist 2 before giving up. I'll agree with you on Shocker and ROTLD2. Blair Witch 2 was poor, but for some reason I really like the building where it was set. That was the most interesting part of that film for waht it's worth.

Here are some of the worst ones I have seen.

Beast of yucca flats-Tor Johnson gets turned into a drooling savage by an H bomb blast. It's filmed with no dialog and just a voice-over narration. Borrrring!

Beast in the cellar-Two old ladies have put their brother in the basement because he's a monster. they sit around sipping tea upstairs while he eventually gets out to do some killing. Very dull.

The Witches-Hammer's worst film is an uneven and silly in this story about witchcraft coming to a small village. Felt like it was tossed together at the last minute and it almost felt like halves of two different rotten movies being shoved together.

Razorback-Greogry Harrison and a crew fight a big pig.

Monster Dog-There is a big house, a pack of mean dogs and a supernatural force. Good thing Alice Cooper wised up and went back to doing heavy music after this mess.

The Devil's Men (AKA: Land of the minotaur)
Donald Pleasance and Peter Cushing got locked into this lifeless piece of crap about a statue worshipping cult in Greece. It feels like they lost the script and just winged it.

Ray Van Horn, Jr. said...

My favorite scene in F13th VIII is Jason climbing onto the dock and finding the hockey billboard behind him. I just saw the trailer of the F13th remake and while I hesitate to be judgmental, I'm not impressed thus far.

BW2 does have some good sets, I'll agree with you on that; it's just directionless, tedious and a poor excuse to tie itself into the original. I don't know how I made it through Exorcist II, or anyone else, for that matter.

Monster Dog is only watchable FOR Alice, lol... I remember Beast in the Cellar; reminded me of The Boogens for some reason (also not a good flick). Thanks for your input, Mark!

Jeff said...

One horror movie that I absolutely despised was Cabin Fever. I think it actually got pretty strong reviews but I thought it was more comical than scary. I really wish I could have the time and money back that were spent on that movie...

Ray Van Horn, Jr. said...

I know a lot of people who likewise don't like Cabin Fever, Jeff. As Mark sees the better in F13th VIII, I actually like Cabin Fever a good bit and appreciate Eli Roth's attempt to honor The Evil Dead. Might not be the same kind of classic, but it's heart is in the right place since it has no other interest but saluting Sam Raimi