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Monday, January 10, 2011

Van of the Dead Movie Review: Horno

2010 SRS Cinema
Ray Van Horn, Jr.

Necrophilia is perhaps the last taboo left to a desensitized society where not even the threat of immediate evisceration at the hands of the general population in prison deters child molesters from crossing the line. Yeah, somewhere out there, a subspecies of corpse fuckers are getting it on with the dead behind closed morgues and before you can cringe, oh, how obscene, take a look at Terence Williams' (previously known for his 2007 indie film The Hood Has Eyez) lowbrow mess, Horno. If you dare, that is.

Frankly, this is a Bill Zebub wannabe vehicle that runs short on time and even appeal. The title sells itself, of course; Horno is a zombie-sex film in title, but really, its bigger purpose is to jump the tracks towards the charred side by opting for rudeness and now-passe stereotyping. Somewhere in the middle, boobies pop out in increments and some surprisingly decent low-budget gore splats the videocam capturing Williams' porn puppets.

Really, though, Horno falls short of delivering an impact for both flesh-slapping and flesh-eating, because you'll remember it more for the homosexuality roasts that start out bitchy hilarious then gets been-there monotonous. America's Top Model features less blatant, recurring flamboyance.

Not even an hour long, Horno's purpose for being is to jostle a bunch of mucky pups together on camera under the guise of titillation. While the premise of Horno is centered around the creation of a horror-porn hybrid for spoofing purposes, Williams' silly film is hardly titillating. If you want titillation undead-style, go directly to Linnea Quigley, who memorably serves up her zombified and demonized goodies in Return of the Living Dead and the original Night of the Demons respectively. For extra credit, sit with Silent Night, Deadly Night for plenty more of Linnea's bouncing yabbas.

Williams wants us to roar ourselves stupid with an early sequence centered around a porn star named Dick Nasty (played by Williams himself) who gets his comeuppance by serving tainted drugs to his freakazaoid fuck buddy. She turns zombie and then rips his cock off. Nyuk nyuk. Irony this cat's supposed to show up in cameo for the lead director Ron's (Carlos Javier Castillo) breakout gore-jizz spectacular, which hardly turns out thus. Ron's directed some sleazy films bearing such gut-busting titles as Jehovah's Witness Anal Sluts and Children of the Cornhole, but of course, Horno is going to become a sheer disaster instead of the breakout success he pitches to his benefactor once Dick Nasty and his zombie gal come knocking and cockblocking on the set. Nasty subsequently runs about in a goofy mask combining attributes of an alien and a penis, and...he is subdued by a goddamn dildo. Are you serious?

There's not much else you need to know, since Horno is over as quickly as it gathers some steam. Forget full-on penetration. Minus a fake dildo strapped upon the not-so-secretly gay lead porn god, forget anything resembling actual pornography. The problem is that Horno milks the gay card relentlessly to the point of near-prejudice. Yes, we're only supposed to take it all with the seriousness of Killer Klowns From Outer Space, (a far superior B movie than this one) but after a gamey verbal showdown in the opening which actually is funny, the remainder of Horno becomes face-smearing homo vs. hetero humor with the occasional round of tits to keep every man watching honest.

Okay, so this is admittedly reading way too much into the whole endeavor, but Horno would've been more acceptable if it had run to the hilt with its advertised sanctions. It leans a heavy thumb on the trigger and expects its viewers to let the awful acting slide by because nobody's expecting a Brangelina sex tape here. Still, there needed to be gratuitous sex and over-the-top blood from this thing. As jugheaded a complaint as that may be, there's no denying Williams cheats his audience with far less than Horno promises at face-value.

Thus, the hypothesis remains the same: necrophilia is still taboo. You'll get more from spinning some old Misfits cuts, believe it.

Rating: *

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